Funny

The Unusual Bait
Politically Incorrect

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the
jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat
came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney
reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two
heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...................how's the bait
holding up?"

I threw up on my computer

I was reading a news story about this guy getting sent to IRAQ in the navy...
and they interviewed his wife, she said

"We go to a really good church, and they talk in there a lot about the husband's and the wife's role, what the Bible says is the husband's and wife's role," she explains. "And my role is to support my husband. My mother told me when I got married, 'Your life is about him, and you need to be there for him.'"

Lawyers are to blame!

The NHL is about to cancel the hockey season.
I wont go into it right now on all the bs on the diffrences in the two side, the players and the owners.
but the bottom line is each side is represented by a lawyer...
and they wont compromise.
Go figure.
I say take the lawyers put em naked on the ice in front of the net and let fans shoot pucks at them until only one is left, then kick the last one in the nuts, and get 2 NORMAL people and let them decide the issue. (ok so my plan is not complete, but I like the lawyers getting hit with pucks, that sounds real fun)
Plus you could sell tickets or chances at shooting the pucks at lawyers and give the money to some tsunami relief group or some shit, hell I bet it would bring in thousands of bucks!
ohhh and just the lawyers involved in the nhl mess....well there are others that could be argued that deserve the same treatment but one small problem at a time please.

I just love sales calls

Me: Hello.

Him Yes, is this Mr x?

Me Hello?

Him Yes is this MR X?

Me Who is this?

Him this is (something said so fast I couldn’t understand)

Me who? I cant understand you.

Them This is Marcko Metcalf with (something again so fast I couldn’t understand)

Me Is this Eric Metcalf’s brother? The guy that played for UT and then I think the browns?

Him No I am calling from Nova Scotia with mbna with a special offer for a low interest credit card.

Me Nova Scotia? Now why would I want a credit card from Nova Scotia?

Him well

Me Hold on my other line is ringing I think it might be India!

It was for my daughter so never got back to him…

Man that is fun

An open note to one of my sister

You do not call your brothers family at 11pm at night on a school/work night unless its an emergency.
You know who you are but in case you dont your my baby sister.
I have to get up at 5:45 in the am to get going for work.
My wife has to get up at 5:30 so she can get going for work.
My son has to get up at 6:00 am to get going for school.
My daughter has to get up at 6:30 am to get going for school.

Next time you call after 9:59pm it better be a damn good reason!
And if its an emergency I will try and help but if it isnt, expect to be hung up on!

My wife is much nicer than I am, and she talked to you last night, if it had been me to answer the phone, as soon as I found out it was not an emergency I would have let you know in no uncertain terms THAT YOUR A FRICKEN RUDE PERSON TO CALL THAT LATE! And your lucky my wife wouldnt let me have the phone!

As a matter of fact I will tell you in person this Sunday when I see you!

To the rest of my family, dont call me and wake me up unless its an emergency. Think before you pick up the phone...."will my brother rip my head off for calling this late? will he get the 2x4 out and hit me? " If its an emergency I wont rip your head off.

Ohhh and my mom can call me anytime she wants, my mom has the "I can do no wrong" pass, and its not transferable to dad, its my mom's card only.

Little pitchers have ears

As parents one thing you always keep in the back of your mind is your kids are listening to every word you say.
Sometimes you slip up.

The other night, wife and I were talking in my office, we finish I go out to get a drink and my son is putting his sisters full bowl of soup at the sink. So I ask “Did she not want to eat?” he says “she just got up and went to her room without saying anything”.

So I go to check on her and she is on her bed and wont talk to me.
Time to get the woman out here…”honey can you go check on your daughter, she won’t talk to me”

Well she wouldn’t talk to her mom either…what in the world, “uhh son, what did she say before she got up, what was going on?”
“all she said dad was shhhhh listent, and then she just bolted”
“Was she trying to listen to me and mom”
“I guess so, sports center was on I wasn’t paying attention”

Ahhh haaa, so the wife goes back and in and explains to the daughter…

My wife and I were discussing this 4th grader that had brought a knife to school and was being expelled, and arguing over the zero tolerance and expulsion and alternative schools and such, and the daughter just heard bits and pieces and thought we were talking of putting her in alternative school.

Glad we weren’t talking about something really bad!

9 billion missing

The USA govt cant account for 9 billion dollars it gave Iraq to help rebuild...
If my wife made that kind of accounting error there would be some serious hell to pay.
But hey GW and his Nazi loveboys are just using our money so no big deal to them!

Texas Hold Em

Got invited to a live in person hold em game this weekend

I was the oldest one there by about 10 years, but everyone was over 24 (although some looked younger than 20...)

This group gets together once a month, 25 bucks to enter...usually about 20 people play.
this time there were 23.
what was real neat is they did a new thing for them and first time I had seen it.
a "bounty"
it was 25 to enter and then an additional 5 bucks
the 5 bucks bought you a bounty chip.
if you were the one that takes some one out of the tournament you got there bounty chip.
when someone took you out they got yours, but not any you had won.
so if you took out 3 people then someone took you out, you still kept the 3 you had won.
for each chip you had when you went out you got 5 bucks!
Made the game that much funner.

One guy wanted to do a high hand of the night bet, 5 bucks a person and whoever gets the best hand of the night wins all. ties would split. I voted no, for 2 reasons, one I had just met these people and wasnt sure how they all played..and second was thinking of E.Mcphan, you could end up in a 6 way arguement and the winner might be the one with the biggest feet or something.
And then, the highest hand was 4 10's with an ace all up on the board and 3 of us split the pot...so according to "E" the lawyer would get it or some crazy rule like that...coulda been ugly, lucky we didnt do the high hand side bet.

I ended up getting 3rd in the tournament won 70 bucks for 3rd plus 5 for taking one guy out.

sure was nice to play with people that didnt take it too serious but were playing smart...would rather play with the family but this will do.

Im confussed or guys are pigs

Go take a look at Sister the DR. blog

Now, 19 years and 2 days of marriage and as far as I know there is only one.
Im gonna ask my wife tonight, might do some extra heavy duty checking!



edit
A conversation with a friend about my sisters blog.


me: does your wife have two? im gonna go look tonight


buddy; if she does, she's sure awfully protective about that "second one"

me: im gonna go look "at my wifes" not yours sorry for the confusion

buddy: well hell, if you come to check my wife, hang out till monday for the TX holdem tourney

Buddy: and never realized the ear canal ran that far

me: yea hell yea it does, if you say something wrong in the ear you aint getting what is at the other end!

buddy: makes sense now the look of bliss when she's using a q-tip

My 19th wedding aniv. is tomorrow

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."