Funny

The Unusual Bait
Politically Incorrect

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the
jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat
came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney
reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two
heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...................how's the bait
holding up?"

I threw up on my computer

I was reading a news story about this guy getting sent to IRAQ in the navy...
and they interviewed his wife, she said

"We go to a really good church, and they talk in there a lot about the husband's and the wife's role, what the Bible says is the husband's and wife's role," she explains. "And my role is to support my husband. My mother told me when I got married, 'Your life is about him, and you need to be there for him.'"

Lawyers are to blame!

The NHL is about to cancel the hockey season.
I wont go into it right now on all the bs on the diffrences in the two side, the players and the owners.
but the bottom line is each side is represented by a lawyer...
and they wont compromise.
Go figure.
I say take the lawyers put em naked on the ice in front of the net and let fans shoot pucks at them until only one is left, then kick the last one in the nuts, and get 2 NORMAL people and let them decide the issue. (ok so my plan is not complete, but I like the lawyers getting hit with pucks, that sounds real fun)
Plus you could sell tickets or chances at shooting the pucks at lawyers and give the money to some tsunami relief group or some shit, hell I bet it would bring in thousands of bucks!
ohhh and just the lawyers involved in the nhl mess....well there are others that could be argued that deserve the same treatment but one small problem at a time please.

I just love sales calls

Me: Hello.

Him Yes, is this Mr x?

Me Hello?

Him Yes is this MR X?

Me Who is this?

Him this is (something said so fast I couldn’t understand)

Me who? I cant understand you.

Them This is Marcko Metcalf with (something again so fast I couldn’t understand)

Me Is this Eric Metcalf’s brother? The guy that played for UT and then I think the browns?

Him No I am calling from Nova Scotia with mbna with a special offer for a low interest credit card.

Me Nova Scotia? Now why would I want a credit card from Nova Scotia?

Him well

Me Hold on my other line is ringing I think it might be India!

It was for my daughter so never got back to him…

Man that is fun

An open note to one of my sister

You do not call your brothers family at 11pm at night on a school/work night unless its an emergency.
You know who you are but in case you dont your my baby sister.
I have to get up at 5:45 in the am to get going for work.
My wife has to get up at 5:30 so she can get going for work.
My son has to get up at 6:00 am to get going for school.
My daughter has to get up at 6:30 am to get going for school.

Next time you call after 9:59pm it better be a damn good reason!
And if its an emergency I will try and help but if it isnt, expect to be hung up on!

My wife is much nicer than I am, and she talked to you last night, if it had been me to answer the phone, as soon as I found out it was not an emergency I would have let you know in no uncertain terms THAT YOUR A FRICKEN RUDE PERSON TO CALL THAT LATE! And your lucky my wife wouldnt let me have the phone!

As a matter of fact I will tell you in person this Sunday when I see you!

To the rest of my family, dont call me and wake me up unless its an emergency. Think before you pick up the phone...."will my brother rip my head off for calling this late? will he get the 2x4 out and hit me? " If its an emergency I wont rip your head off.

Ohhh and my mom can call me anytime she wants, my mom has the "I can do no wrong" pass, and its not transferable to dad, its my mom's card only.

Little pitchers have ears

As parents one thing you always keep in the back of your mind is your kids are listening to every word you say.
Sometimes you slip up.

The other night, wife and I were talking in my office, we finish I go out to get a drink and my son is putting his sisters full bowl of soup at the sink. So I ask “Did she not want to eat?” he says “she just got up and went to her room without saying anything”.

So I go to check on her and she is on her bed and wont talk to me.
Time to get the woman out here…”honey can you go check on your daughter, she won’t talk to me”

Well she wouldn’t talk to her mom either…what in the world, “uhh son, what did she say before she got up, what was going on?”
“all she said dad was shhhhh listent, and then she just bolted”
“Was she trying to listen to me and mom”
“I guess so, sports center was on I wasn’t paying attention”

Ahhh haaa, so the wife goes back and in and explains to the daughter…

My wife and I were discussing this 4th grader that had brought a knife to school and was being expelled, and arguing over the zero tolerance and expulsion and alternative schools and such, and the daughter just heard bits and pieces and thought we were talking of putting her in alternative school.

Glad we weren’t talking about something really bad!